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What is Active Listening?
Active listening is the foundation for telephone counseling at Contact Community Services. It is the ability to truly hear the words and feelings of the speaker and do so without passing judgment.
Just Listen
Excerpt from: Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories that Heal
by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. 1996
I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen, just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And especially if it’s given from the heart. When people are talking, there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it. Most of us don’t value ourselves or our love enough to know this. It has taken me a long time to believe in the power of simply saying, "I’m so sorry," when someone is in pain. And meaning it.
One of my patients told me that when she tried to tell her story, people often interrupted to tell her that they once had something just like that happen to them. Subtly her pain became a story about themselves. Eventually she stopped talking to most people. It was just too lonely. We connect through listening.
When we interrupt what someone is saying to let them know that we understand, we move the focus of attention to ourselves. When we listen, they know we care. Many people with cancer talk about the relief of having someone just listen.
I have even learned to respond to someone crying by just listening. In the old days I used to reach for the tissues, until I realized that passing a person a tissue may be just another way to shut them down, to take them out of their experience of sadness and grief. Now I just listen. When they have cried all they need to cry, they find me there with them.
This simple thing has not been that easy to learn. It certainly went against everything I had been taught since I was very young. I thought people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well intentioned words.
Active Listening
Excerpt from Contact Training Manual
- Active listening is...more than "being a good listener" in our usual use of that phrase that may imply quiet or sometimes even passive attitude. It means being involved, caring, ready to respond with the only sense instrument that you have—your voice.
- Active listening is...being willing to take what the other person gives you and pass it through your head and your heart so that what comes out of your mouth is a reflection of your thoughts and your feelings in a way that communicates a deep connection with the caller.
- Active listening is...taking into account all that you and this other person bring to this encounter—using in a careful way your imagination to allow you to picture or identify with the person and not just her problem.
- Active listening is...You! Being who you are with your own gifts and limitations in real conversation with another person demonstrating as best as you can your sensitivity, understanding, and caring in a particular encounter that may leave each of you different and richer persons than before.
- Active listening is...a gift to a person who feels truly heard.
Do I Listen—Really Listen?
Excerpt from Contact Training Manual
Rapport and trust are vital for the sharing of personal feelings. An atmosphere with informality and relaxation enhances talking and listening. Check out the climate in which you are listening. Ask these questions of yourself as you practice the art of listening.
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Do I concentrate fully and tune out all other distraction and thoughts?
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Do I make an effort to become truly interested in what the caller says? Faking attention or pretending to listen are roadblocks to good communication.
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Do I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes? Empathy means seeing the world from another person’s point of view.
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Do I listen "between the lines" to the meaning behind the caller’s words? Listening for understanding helps decode the underlying message.
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Do I listen actively or passively? Active listening requires keeping up with the caller, asking questions, giving feedback, etc.
- Do I hear out the caller completely and calmly, or do I have a "waiting to pounce" tendency? Interrupting with such comments as, "Yes, but..." indicates an impatient listener.
- Do I have preconceived notions of what I am going to say? Is my mind made up in advance about my answer, or do I listen well with an open mind? If I am a "case-is-closed" listener, I will be a poor communicator.
- Am I tuned in to non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, speed of delivery, crying, etc? Connecting the non-verbal and the verbal insures a more accurate understanding.
- Am I aware of what emotions and feelings are stirred up in me as I listen? Are certain words and topics loaded with special meaning for me? If "trigger words" are allowed to bug me, my judgment and listening effectiveness will diminish in value.
- Do I have the time needed for good listening? On the Contact hotline phones there ought to be nothing more important than a giving of oneself to another.
- Do I treat what is shared with me as privileged communication? This includes confidentiality, respect, and a non-judgmental attitude.
- Am I sensitive to possible differences in cultural backgrounds that may affect a caller’s style and my own?
- Am I aware of my own prejudices or biases that are barely conscious but are "recorded" in my mind from folklore, stereotyping, or my own difficult experiences?
—Contact Training Manual
Active Listening Resources
http://www.nps.gov/phso/rtcatoolbox/fac_activelistening.htm
Google Results for Active Listening
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